Sunday, January 15, 2006
Screw it all. I'm moving back to:
[stitchesofglass.blogspot.com]
S'dumb blog name...but heh. I feel a different person in kage-no-tsuki. It's not me.
12:37 PM
I've been feeling very antsy lately. Things having been coming out the way I've planned. Reading other poeple's blogs jsut makes me feel a little more empty about myself and the road I'm walking on.
I had this dream two nights ago. I remember leading a couple of people (I can't remember who they are now), down a long, wide flight of stairs. I was apparently at the MRT station, at the one near my house...I think. Here's the part where I kinda freak. I start covering the sides of my eyes when we reach the lading, because on the sides of the walls, are huge fish tanks. Huge might be an exaggeration, but they were big and long, and had salmon/trout looking fish in them. And the hall was dark. I was freaking out. I don't know why. Even know when I think of it, I feel uber unconfortable. And then when I think about all those tanks like those in the Zoo, I feel like just getting away and trying to stop thinking about them. So what is this fear that I have? Is it the darkness, the depth, the feeling of being underwater? I don't know. I just feel really scared when I think about it. I don't even know why I should fear such a thing. I know I fell into the pond at the botanic gardens when I was little but I feel NO FEAR towards that incident. So why this? Why?
I think I might start to feel more numb than ever. And it's tough to tell, but I know I am. I'm starting to get very frustrated on my art, because really, I'm not sure if the direction Mrs Ong thinks I'm going at is the one I really am trying to get. I don't want to bother about the goths, or the punks, or whatever shit there is at the esplanade. I just want to do things my way. I had a vision for my art piece, but with this delay and research, I'm afraid it might fade away.
And I want time for my own projects. I'm afraid I don't. My school life is pretty relaxed...for the moment. I heard that we'd have a test EVERYDAY at an allocated time. Are they INSANE? Maybe if I start popping pills and everything and point everything to the traumatic school life that I might be having very soon, they'd drop it all.
I promised myself I'd be better this year, that I'll concentrate and work hard. Not just on school, but on my own things.
And for a side note, friay the 13th turned out a pretty disastrous day for me. See, I think I've flunked the Math Quiz that Ms Kok gave us, and it wasn't hard...I was just all over the place. And then I also MIGHT do horribly on the Bio Quiz. The ebst part is when I got my test results for my japanese class, which I'm really pissed off about. It's an annoyance that's biting away at me. See, I got an 88, over a hundred, which is pressumably pretty good, but IT'S NOT, SEE. The answers which I'd gotten wrong were so simple. I just couldn't remember. And Germaine scored better than I did, and got top of the class with this other guy, If I hadn't gotten those two wrong I would have gotten a 98.
I hate to type about those things, but I feel like I should. I hate to type about them because typing the out makes me even more annoyed with myself.
I just wish I could fly away.
12:14 PM
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The Chengxi guy from Star Idol can't act. Ohno, wait. They ALL can't act.
Local star searh programs are such a waste of time. Psh. Unless you want to get a kick out of people who can't act trying to act. xD Reeeeetards.
School's so weird for me. I've said this so many times, but I just feel like saying it again and again and again. There ARE people I can talk to in class, but it's not like really being close with someone. I know...I think I know someone else, or maybe two others, who feel something like that.
I really don't know what's going on inside me these days. When I told my psychiatrist about my 'blank/empty' feeling that I get sometimes, she looked worried. Maybe I'm suffering from depression , and I'llhave to start popping pills soon. That's a nice thought, isn't it?
I had a good talk with Germaine on Friday after class. I don't know. She's one of the few I'm able to talk to these days. And when I say talk, I mean a good talk, where I have no toruble just saying and admitting all those horrible things that stay shut inside of me. I don't get annoyed with her the way I do with the friends I've had. Maybe I'm starting to respect people. I'm not saying I didn't before, but now.....maybe at a different level? Or maybe it's because she's so totally different from everyone else. She appears so shy, so quiet, stoic even.
But she's...not. Like all of us.
Ergh. I just wish life wasn't as crazy as it is. Only that would take the fun out of it, huh?
It's romance in the confusion.
3:06 PM
Friday, January 13, 2006
Now playing: Pride (HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR)
Mood: Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Dx
>.>;; I'm REAAAAALLY tired right now.
Today didn't go too well. I'm trying not to think about it so I'm NOT going to write about it, because when I do, I often get depressed and whatshit. o.o
OKAY. I'm on an art buzz these few days. @_@ I have ideas....but I'm not saying anything. LYKEOMGSECRET.
PE was HELL today. I banged into someone again while running back on forth on THE SLIPPERY BASKET BALL COURT GROUND. >>;; Really should not make this into a habit. And I found out my PW grouping, which is really.....awkward-feeling. =___= URGH. Nevermind.
I'm supposed to go to the esplanade area to get pictures of goths and skaters whatnot for my art research. And I really do NOT want to. Why? Somehow, I have this inclination to be very negative towards any stereotype thingey in this country, and think them to be even more pathetic and flimsy than those in the US or anything. I'm sorry if I'm confusing you. But explaining this out would take up an entire page, and you won't want to read all the weird, crazy stuff in my head, would you?
-SULKS-
10:31 PM
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
My teacher has managed to make Literature boring for me.
><;;;Okay. I'm supposed to be doing research for my art, but I guess I'm slacking off. URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
X.X Nothing else to post. Except that someone told me I had 'plastic' hair, and that I looked like Dracula's wife. -_-; Not that I mind much.
And does liking stuff such as dinosaurs, fruit bats, birds of prey make you weird? People here seem to think so. X.O
3:54 PM
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
S'been raining a lot lately, huh?
I like the rain. I like it when it pours and pours and pours. I like it when the wind is howling along with it. I like it when the sky grows dark, when there's thunder and lightning crackling and flickering across the sky.
I like stormy days.
School's weird for me. With the banding system, I go to class, drifting from one place to another. Everything's so weird for me. I'm just drifting, and drifting. I hardly talk now. Drusilla, who sits to me, just cleans and cleans her table and informs me constantly when she doesn't understand things, while on the other hand Grace is only capable of two things- sarcasm and pokes.
Idon't know what I'm doing here. Everything's just a blank. I feel nothing. I don't feel bored. It's just...a blank. There's nothing for me to look forward to, and nothing to hate. So I'm sitting in the middle, helpless as everything just ebbs away. So basically, I find it worse than last year's stage of misery, because it's worse not feeling anything and finding and thinking that you're stuck nowhere. With the misery stage at least I was pointing towards something. But now...?
I don't really feel anything anymore. I've lost my drive for everything. And I'm someone who can't live without something to drive me with, be it love or hate.
11:24 AM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
For two days now, I keep feeling like something really bad is going to happen. Only I do not know what. And it feels big. Something hugely disastrous, and terrible. Because of it...I keep linking it to death. I don't know if it's simply because my mind links something bad to death, or maybe because I can sense it.
It just feels like death.
And I'm nervous because my intuition is rarely wrong.
Now, on to lighter things. We had the CCA fair today. >>;;; Honestly, I found promoting my CCA kinda a waste of time, but I'll have to admit it wasn't all bad. I don't think anyone would really want to join computer club though.
I want to do my homework. It sounds silly, but I do.
1:49 PM
Friday, January 06, 2006
WOW NOW I OFFICIALLY HAVE A MUSHROOM HEAD 8D
Hyyyyeah....whatever. xD
Um...so I had my japanese test today, and this is really the first time I'm up face to face with a teacher and doing an oral conversation and not flipping out or having my entire self turn a really sick color or anything. And I think I did pretty good! 'Except for one part where I had NO IDEA how to say all the money stuff because I didn't think it'll really come out (though I had a feeling it would...damn intuition...I never listen to it). BUT I WENT THROUGH THE REST FINE 8D
URGH. I hate how I sound on the blog nowadays. >>; SDoesn't sound like me at all....and I sound so...bland. -sticks tongue out-
PE today was humiliating. We had to play a 'game' (please note the inverted commas) where the WHOLE class had to somehow balance ourselves on all those wee blocks in the fitness corner. Everyone was all leaned up against each other and er...arms everywhere so um....yeah...feeling PRETTY violated right now. ><;;; And I hit someone's nose when my head went up. And then hit her head again the second time I went up. T.T PLEGH.
Also, I'd like to say, that I'm quite positive that just about ALL my teachers are COMPLETELY insane. YES THEY ARE. THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN.
Oh, except for Ms L, 'cause I kinda had her around before and she is B-O-R-I-N-G. She's so mundane You won't even feel bored....because it's like a whole new plane of bored-ness thatyou've never experienced before so you really can't feel anything. x__o [YEAH THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.]
>>;;; I WANT PAINTER 9. Somebody rich go get it for me.
10:35 PM